Boyfriend came out – advice needed

Mission Forums Cross Dresser’s Wives Forum Boyfriend came out – advice needed

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  Dawn 2 years, 9 months ago.

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  • #666


    Hi all. I am looking for advice from those who have walked this path.

    I have been dating my boyfriend for about two months. I have known him for about a year. Things between us have moved pretty fast and we got serious very quickly. We have been sexually intimate for about a month and both view this relationship as one that is progressing towards marriage. He was very sexually inexperienced (i.e. A virgin) prior to our relationship. The sex is great for the most part, at least for me, but he has not yet reached orgasm and blamed it on a combination of nerves and being conditioned to self stimulation.

    He came out to me two days ago as a cross dresser. Let me preface this by saying I know how lucky I am that he came out at this stage in the relationship. Also, he is a WONDERFUL man and aside from the cross dressing, he is exactly what I am looking for in a spouse. He is unlike any man I have ever been exposed to and treats me like a queen.

    The conversation leading up to his coming out was intimate in nature. He had told me that though he did not feel he could ever share me with another man (I did not bring that up or would I ever want that) but that he would be okay with me experimenting with another woman and asked my thoughts on that. I told him I would fantasize about that with him but would never be okay with bring another person into our bedroom and that I wasn’t really interested in experimenting with women. He said for him it wasn’t so much about sharing me with a woman as the whole thought of girl on girl really really turned him on. That conversation ended, and less than 5 minutes later came the dreaded “I need to tell you something.” When he came out to me, he stated that he likes to cross dress but that he gave it up “in order to be the man I deserve and desire”. He said he stopped shortly after we started seeing each other other than the pantyhose. I knew about his pantyhose fetish as far as it related to me wearing them and was more than happy to incorporate that into our sex lives. It was something fun and a way that I could tease, torment, and turn him on even in public that was our little secret. He is asking now for permission to keep his legs shaven and incorporate wearing pantyhose into our sex lives. I told him I thought I would be open to that because I wanted to be supportive, but I do not think I can handle it. He thinks if maybe we incorporate the pantyhose as well as watching girl on girl porn, he will be able to reach orgasm. I also do not think I can handle the knowledge of the cross dressing as I fear as much as he claims/believes/and or wants to be able to give it up, that it will eventually come back. He claims there are no implications to his sexual orientation or gender identity.

    I feel like a terrible awful person for the way I am internally reacting to this. I view myself as a very open minded person sexually and otherwise. I am an Ally and have several gay and lesbian friends. I support the rights of gay and transgendered people and if he was just a friend I would be all about shopping with him, helping with make up, nails, etcetera. But as far as having a partner who cross dresses, it is a major sexual turn off and one I do not think I can handle. He is a fairly conservative Christian and I am afraid that he is not being honest with himself. I told him I am not sure that giving the cross dressing up is the healthiest thing for him. He got very offended and stated he is giving it up because he wants to. I have serious concerns that this may be an issue of more than cross dressing. The fact that he is obsessed with girl on girl porn and the fact that prior to coming out to me he approached me about my thoughts of experimenting with another woman has me concerned that he may be a transgendered lesbian (yes, I WAY overthink things).

    I am looking for advice and feedback. Do I end this? Do I stay and hope it is just a part of his past? Do I try to deal with the pantyhose? Or do I end it? My mind is telling me I need to end it, but in my heart I am afraid of the damage and hurt it will cause him. I love him and care about him, but after 12 years in a marriage where I sacrificed my needs for someone else’s, I do not see how I can continue. I do not know what to say to him. I am supposed to see him tonight. It will be the first time I have seen him since he came out to me (via text) and I know he is looking forward to being intimate. I am afraid if I even tryI will break down.

  • #667

    Lou Ann

    If you re read your last paragraph, you will have your answer

  • #668


    I agree with Lou Ann.

  • #669


    You are not “over thinking” this. You are feeling it. It’s not what you want. It’s okay to think someone is a wonderful person, but not have the same sexual desires as them. You know with your gay and lesbian friends; you love and care for them, but you don’t have the urge to jump into bed with them. I cannot change my desires, likes and dislikes to fit in with what my husband of many years has just recently revealed. After MUCH heartbreak, MANY tears, therapy, and sleepless nights, I have realized we need separate lives. He can be who he wants to be, and I can be who I want to be. I can cope and support him as a friend, but not as his wife.
    Feel fortunate you have the choice to decide what to do now. It’s not going to get better. The CDing seems to have a long rabbit hole down which these guys fall. I hope your boyfriend can be who he needs to be. The more open he can be, then the less it will warp his mental health. You don’t have to be part of it. You only have one life. Don’t “make do”.

  • #714


    You just did a “pro” and “con” list. There were more no’s than yes.

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