Hate the dressing but not the husband??

Mission Forums Cross Dresser’s Wives Forum Hate the dressing but not the husband??

This topic contains 10 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  Dee Levy 2 years, 2 months ago.

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  • #648

    little chick
    Participant

    Just wondering if anyone else here has a well behaved, considerate cross dressing husband who doesn’t do all this lying/sneaking around etc, but they still don’t like it anyway?

    My husband has had his moments of selfishness with all this and regrets it hugely. He also knows the effect his fetish has on our lives when he lets it and works very hard not to do that. He doesn’t involve me at all now, and really, things are fine if I’m not thinking about it. We both agree our young kids shouldn’t be involved either.

    Thing is, I still hate it šŸ™ I hate that he needs it and that he’ll likely need it until he dies. But considering this is something he’s done since a small child, I know what I’m really saying is I don’t really like the person my husband is. Yet I still love him. Does that make sense? Does anyone else live with a well behaved cross dresser and feel bad anyway? Or has anyone moved to a place where they feel okay with it and don’t think about it anymore?

  • #649

    elizabethK
    Participant

    Before I answer, can I ask a few questions? I Did you know before marriage and children? How long have you known?

  • #655

    cjvsrd
    Participant

    Yes, I have a well, behaved husband who has been wearing women’s lingerie since he was a kid, per his report. I have only had to deal with it for the past year or so. I don’t think I dislike the person he is, as it relates to the cross dressing. But, I find it unattractive, and a real turn off sexually. It’s around our sex that I see it mostly. And the fact that, as postmenopausal, sex is not as much fun as it used to be, makes his attire an issue. But, since my libido wasn’t much to speak of when he was dressing normally, and since he gets enjoyment out of it, I don’t want to tell him to stop. I mean, why shouldn’t one of us get something out of sex?
    So, do I feel bad anyway? Yes. I resent it. I want things back the way they were when I didn’t know. But, that’s my problem. He is not hurting anyone. How does one deal with this?
    I am here to find a way to do that. So, pardon me for answering the posted question as someone new to the forum, but I didn’t know how else to jump into the forum myself, and the post appeared to be what I am feeling.

  • #657

    Beatrice
    Participant

    Hi Little chick
    No matter how well behaved your husband is, it hurts.
    It hurts because you probably said “I do” for a marriage with two persons. The other “she” is not just a figment of his imagination. She is real. She comes out. She dictates his thoughts. For me it felt as if he cheated on me and I am forced to accept that “she” lives with us. For me it felt as if he can only perform when he thinks of “her”. No matter how hard they try to convince you that it is just clothes, just lingerie, just a temporary “fix”, I’m sorry it is not. The cdh becomes a third party not just in his mind but in the relationship. The constant slap in your face – to be forced to accept that he prefers himself in womans’s clothes, plastic body parts instead of yours etc etc. continues to damage your sense of self even if you do not take part.

  • #661

    little chick
    Participant

    Cjvsrd, you’re thinking all the things I’m thinking too. I have friends who are probably weirder than my H and his fetish in a hundred ways but as Beatrice explained this just seems more loaded. I guess because the fetish is pretending to be a woman, which is insulting, and yet they don’t do it to insult us. My H just had a really high sex drive as a kid and I guess his mothers clothes were available. But I’m really turned off by it as well, Cjv, so it’s killing our sex life. But being open minded I also don’t care if he indulges himself in private and understand that these fetishes are for life. Nightmare for us, of course.

    Anyway, not really sure what I’m trying to say, except maybe that I don’t want to hate this forever as I don’t personally think it’s a big enough issue to leave my marriage over. Not the way my husband is anyway. Some of the stories I read I’d have left already! But he’s not like that and I’ve known a few years now and no escalation, yet that disappointed feeling just doesn’t seem to leave. That and the turn off part. I wish he could have a foot fetish instead! I wouldn’t mind having someone obsess about my feet…but no, I get the guy in a wig. Seriously, how many women are attracted to men in wigs??

    Cjv, I love my husband too and would love to chat further about how to not find this so difficult. That, or a drug I can slip in his coffee and make him not do this anymore lol

  • #662

    Beatrice
    Participant

    No escalation? I’ve never heard of that before. So your husband doesn’t spend hours surfing the web looking for outfits? He doesn’t need more family time to dress? He doesn’t dress more often or longer periods of time? How long have you known about this? I was open minded, I even joined him for a while when I was afraid he would look elsewhere for company…but if it only affects your sex life and nothing else you are very lucky. I also love my husband, but I came to a point where I realized I would never be the only woman in his life and it is difficult to live with that thought every single day of your life.

  • #663

    little chick
    Participant

    Beatrice, I’ve known for most of our marriage (11 years) and it’s not really changed. He’s always dressed fully, done it in private, looked online for clothes etc. it’s a sexual compulsion that I’m sure he thinks about all the time but no, it still hasn’t impacted family life. He’s clever at keeping the two completely separate – as it should be. Kids have no place in their parents sex lives! I’ve spoken in the past to quite a few wives who say the same of their husbands. I think escalation would mostly happen to those who havent yet reached their endpoint? Or who are just plain self indulgent/addiction centric? There are millions of men who cross dress yet I rarely see any walking the streets (and I highly doubt this is because they look like women haha) so my guess is many men do control this behaviour but it’s only those who don’t that we ever hear about. People don’t tend to write about things that don’t bother them. Though, many wives struggle, like me, even when the crossdressing impact is minimal and it sucks.

    Anyway, short answer is there’s been no escalation in our marriage. So that’s not the issue. The issue is I hate it. Always have. It just turns my stomach. I know that means we’re maybe just incompatible and I should have left years ago, but we’re just so compatible everywhere else. I always hoped I’d get over feeling this way and would finally just see it as a sexual quirk or something. Hasn’t happened yet sadly, despite watching other women figure this out and learn to be happy in their marriages again.

    I don’t know what the answer is. And sure, maybe one day my H will go crazy and escalate his behaviour. The other thing that’s always been known in our marriage is that I don’t like his dressing (I told him this from day one so he can’t expect anything else) and won’t tolerate anything more than he does already. And I don’t mean I monitor his behaviour like his mother. I mean, I’ll kick him out if he annoys me. The end. I’ve done that once for another issue so he knows I’m serious. Thanks to a tough upbringing I haven’t allowed anyone to walk over me yet and I’m not starting now. I’m equally happy on my own – weird but true. I’d cope with the kids and all that as I’ve made sure to always stay financially independent etc. I just question why I’ve remained with him when it’s such a HUGE turn off for me and this nagging feeling I always get that men who cross dress are just copping out. You know? Like, shouldn’t he want therapy or something to not need it for sex? But men just never seem to think their issues are a problem.

    More rambling, I know. Years later and I still can’t wrap my head around all this. I really feel for the women living with the self indulgent ones. I’d want to tell them that the cross dressing is HIS problem, and once you let that go, it can be a lot easier to make decisions or whatever. Let go of what others think or the kids or any of it. If the whole world suddenly found out your husband cross dressed, then HE has to face the world as a cross dresser. Not you. You will only ever be YOU. We are not cross dressers wives. We are women who married men who cross dress. We can always lose this title when we lose the cross dressing husband – he’s stuck with it. And my husbands fetish sure as shit will never define me!

    Rambling over lol.

  • #665

    Beatrice
    Participant

    As you say. It is HIS burden. Make sure you look after yourself. It helped me a lot to confide in the people I love the most – not to sell him out, but to ease the burden of dealing with this. I’m with you on the copping out thing. Have doubts about the escalation – the moment I joined and acknowledge the cding a lot more came tumbling out of the closet…anyhow, glad you shared. You seem like a very very strong woman.

  • #682

    bugatti
    Participant

    at last into the forum. i don’t hate my husband. i also hate the dressing

  • #683

    Charlotte
    Participant

    I knew about his dressing before we were married. But knowing and understanding are two different things. He always reassured me that it helped him relax and it wasn’t “real” crossdressing. Anyway, after 19 years of marriage and two children, he has finally admitted that wearing women’s clothing feels just as right as wearing men’s clothing. I love my H but hate the selfish person he becomes when he dresses. When I told him how hard it was last night for me, he just said, “well I’m soft”. He meant his erection, I thought he meant “feminine” because he was wearing a slip. I completely lost it and hate myself today for trying to be supportive. He thinks I just overreacting and now is accusing me of causing him to “walk on eggshells”. We are in counseling and I do take anxiety medication. I just scared of the future. Sorry to be debbie downer.

  • #687

    Dee Levy
    Keymaster

    Dear Charlotte,

    Welcome to our Forum. I am so sorry for your long journey trying to navigate your CD husband’s bizarre life long condition.Honey, so many of us love(d) our husbands but hate the cross dressing and some of the behaviors that normally come with many cross dressers.

    Perhaps you should share with him it is YOU that is walking on egg shells because you never know when he is going to dress up. He is in charge of that.

    Many couple do claim to have happy marriage- EXCEPT for the elephant in the room. It goes with him where he goes. It is a part of him.

    The focus needs to shift NOW- on to YOU- YOUR NEEDS, WANTS & DESIRES. Set some boundariesā€¦for example- Do not dress up in front of me again. Go out once a month- take a day and CD- then come home- etc. Ask him for what you need! Please go to counseling. It is good for each to go separately in the beginning. Your issues are different. Sometimes couples counseling is also a way to go.

    Know that you are far from alone. There are millions of us in the US alone! We are here to support your needs. Make friends with these awesome woman on this Forum; it is what makes the Forum so AWESOME.

    Warmly,
    Dee A Levy
    (aka The Founder)

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