August 11, 2015 at 12:11 am #579
In a process of almost two years of crying, talking, battling etc. he started by making the flame/fire in our lives smaller. Little by little he encouraged my husband to throw less wood…he encourage me to pass less wood. To run away less and face this more. To give the authority of stoking the flame to my husband. Yes, I got scared. I got scared that he will burn down our house. I was insecure and still have lots of scars. But as the flame got smaller stuff started changes in our lives. My husband started seeing ME. In the past I was either running away. Or crying, sleeping, drinking wine…doing something to cope with the enormous responsibility of regulating this all-consuming FIRE. My husband and I started realizing it is really not that cold without the flame. That life is actually quite bearable if the fire gets less attention. Somehow in some way Tim made my CDH realize that the cold is there yes, but that it is OK to put on a warm jersey…or get a blanket and lay with his wife. Yes, the little flame is in our house. It will probably be there until we die. But what made the difference in MY LIFE is that HIS CD is not my responsibility anymore. HE can manage the flame. HE doesn’t want to stoke the fire. HE is not badgering me.
What I learned from all this: I will never ever judge a cross dresser or his wife for the choices that they make in life. We were some of the lucky few who can now live a normal life. It is possible. But is not in any way easy. It depends on how high the flames were burning, what it consumed. How many scars you carry around with you. My heart goes out to all of you.
August 11, 2015 at 4:24 pm #580
Honey, thank you so much for sharing your story. I know this is not easy for most of us but your contribution can and will help other wives to get through this challenging journey. Thank you for your courage and thought provoking post.
- This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by cdw Moderator.
August 11, 2015 at 7:06 pm #581
Thank you for sharing. If you don’t mind adding more, could you please explain a little more about what you mean by living a “normal life”?
I understand your metaphor about the flame. You say your husband can now manage his CD and “he doesn’t want to stoke the fire” – Do you mean he doesn’t dress in front of you anymore that he does it in private OR that he doesn’t dress at all?
I don’t take on any responsibility for my husband’s Cd behavior. And after years of him keeping it secret/in the closet, I would not believe him for a minute if he said that he didn’t feel like dressing up again.
So I guess I’m trying to see if there is hope for us by finding out what you mean by saying “the little flame is still in your house” yet “you live a normal life”.
August 12, 2015 at 3:45 am #582
No, I don’t mind adding anymore. It is just difficult to explain almost two years in a few paragraphs.
No he does not dress at all. He does not have any clothes in the house left what so ever. No, I am not scared that he would take mine. I am not afraid that he would do anything behind my back. His urge, his yearning for being a pretty woman is not there anymore. No, he is not suddenly “blind” to beautiful things. Through a process of more than a year, almost two, he de-learned the CD urges, the CD behaviour. As I explained before nobody waved a magic wand. He was dedicated and work hard to get rid of all the CD associated behaviour, because in the end it caused him and our family as well as our marriage more pain and anguish than joy. I’m trying to think of an example: He was obsessed with beautiful underwear and stockings. I was paranoid. If we went shopping I would steer him away from women’s clothes in the hope that he wouldn’t notice. But he noticed. And then he would go back and maybe buy something. A year down the line (since he started counselling) he went into a shop with me. I was browsing through the underwear (asking advice) something I never ever thought I would be able to do. After a while he walked out of the shop, saying he does not want to be there and “test” his resolve. And a year down the line he said to me: “you know what? I used to deliberately walk through the lingerie and stocking lines at the shop, and now I don’t notice it anymore? Is n’t this wonderful!”. He says he thinks he will forever be like an alcoholic. He won’t spend to much time browsing underwear…but the great thing is this: He said in the past when he look at a magazine he would always think: Wow! This is sexy! I wonder how I would look in this? He says now when he browse a magazine he thinks: Wow! This is sexy. He does not have the “I wonder how I would look in this” part in his brain anymore. He says he is happy and relieved about that. Its really difficult to explain all this. Bottomline is: It is beautiful to see him happy and without any urges causing him distress. I must admit we still talk a lot. Due to the nature of this I’ve been lied to a lot. Trust is an on going process. It took many many months but I am not paranoid as to whether he is bull shitting me any longer. I can honestly say he is not just repressing his urges…the urges that caused major disruptions in our life is not with us anymore. Yes, he will notice a beautiful dress…but the difference is, he does not want to be the pretty girl inside that dress anymore.
August 19, 2015 at 4:34 pm #602
So I’m curious about one thing, Beatrice. But first, THANK YOU for sharing all of this. My husband feels like this is finally something he feels no shame about. It’s part of “an eroticism” that is important and fulfilling. Did your husband feel good about his CDing or did he feel shameful about it? Because I can’t see going thru the kind of process you describe with my husband since he feels it’s about his “identity.”
August 19, 2015 at 11:07 pm #603
It was like that for a few years…but it doesn’t staythe same for years. I married a man, not a girl. Sexual relations with a woman was not what I said “I do” for…. it escalates… takes more time, cost more money… makes husband and wife drift further apart. My husband came to a point where he realized he would have to choose between his inner girl and his family. What started as eroticism and joy and peace messed other parts of his life up big time.
October 30, 2015 at 1:12 pm #678
I’m not sure if hope is a good thing.I’m sure all have been devastated as I have.My story is not different from most of yours.I recently reached out to Tim.Dont know what I think yet.My husband doesn’t know .I think he would fight kicking and screaming to keep his clothes.He ,I think ,is just spreading his wings.Shaved his body,buying more lingerie,is testing me and himself.He’s tired of my tears,recriminations and ‘my drama’.Whats the big deal?I ,on the other hand can’t stop crying.I see no light,I’m in love with the man I married 20 years ago.Not the one who started rejecting me 10 years in.Not the one who’s angry because I’m ill.His proclivity is all of a sudden?the important thing.I can only speculate,he doesn’t talk ,we are seeing a relationship counselor,but really haven’t made any headway
If somebody could just help me get over the sad.Its debilitating.I can’t see to write anymore right now.Sorry I’m such a negative nelly.
October 31, 2015 at 2:17 am #679
kat , i think you have all the right in the world to be negative. This is NOT what you signed up for 20yrs ago! i wonder how he would feel if you grow all your body hair. sport a fake moustache and dress like a lumberjack. It helped me a lot to talk to Tim even before my husband decided to change. Ironically your illness may be aggravated by ptsd and his antics. Take care of yourself before anything else
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