My story CDH and Sex Addiction

Mission Forums Cross Dresser’s Wives Forum My story CDH and Sex Addiction

This topic contains 13 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  SmartyPants 1 year, 1 month ago.

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  • #841

    SmartyPants
    Participant

    i was around briefly on the old site but just found the new site today. CDH revealed his CD to me after 17 years of marriage. we went into counseling and i thought it was improving. but over the last 4 years, things happened and he has realized that he is likely a sex addict. we still don’t understand how the CD plays into the SA behavior. I am halfway through reading Your Sexually Addicted Spouse. I’m seeing a very empathetic therapist and he is seeing someone who specialized in sexual traumas, compulsion, and other sex related topics. I recently told my sister. will post more later.

  • #842

    SmartyPants
    Participant

    his SA activity over the years involved trans escorts, phone sex, anon hookups with men seeking CDs online. this all goes beyond CDing. so what now? i do love him and the rest of our life. when i look at our life outside of this, we are so compatible. we were looking forward to a comfortable retirement. so full of pain and confusion and fear for the future.

  • #843

    Shelly
    Participant

    SmartyPants,

    I know, it seems like there is a whole other part of them that you were never aware of. One of the hardest parts for me was the total compartmentalization of my ex’s behavior. He could be the sweetest guy, then do something that my worst enemy wouldn’t do to me. Very painful and confusing! You are making the right decisions in getting help and investigating the resources out there. Hopefully, things will clear up for you.

    I wish you all the best. Hang in there. Let us know if we can help.

    Shelly

  • #846

    SmartyPants
    Participant

    Last night he said he’s been thinking of moving out so he can ‘explore his femme side,’ which to me means cruising for trans hookups. He’s admitted to being a sex addict, so to me this sounds like an alcoholic saying they want time and space for a 30 day bender.

  • #847

    Janet
    Participant

    Hi,
    Our stories sound similar. After 20 years of being together, 15 married, my H sat me down and told me he liked to dress as a woman and had been doing so occasionally all of his life. I had no clue. After many many questions he had told me “everything”, I though OK, we can cope with this, sounds innocent enough, it hasn’t affected our relationship in all these years so it should be manageable.
    Well, CDing is a whole pack of lies, followed by another whole pack of lies, followed by a shitload of more lies.
    My H had not told me everything – not even close. Fake credit cards, sexual web camming, sneaking around, fake boobs, fake ass and vagina, fake Facebook pages, pretending to be at work when he was glamming around town instead spending $$$$ on women’s clothes, makeup, hair, nails. Porn, porn, porn – trans, men, women – people paying him to do sexual things on webcam.
    So I found out the actual truth by diving into his computer one day. Something I had never done and had never even thought of doing.
    We too were so compatible. I thought we could read each other’s minds. We used to laugh so much, had the same goal in life. Had so much fun – until the day I found out all the lies.
    He was not the person he had presened to me. I now almost think of him as a character. An actor in a bad lifetime movie. The person he presented to me did not really exist.
    After much heartache (and we have kids to think about) I told him we were going to divorce. He didn’t want to – has NO idea what he has done to me – not only has my future crashed, my whole history has become distorted too – it’s a real head fuck.
    We’re now mediating a divorce – finances are tricky but I see a happy future ahead for me. One that is real and belongs to me.
    He has gone all out into trans mode.
    So the “I like to dress like a woman sometimes” admission 18 months ago really translates into “I want to be a woman”. And let’s face it – he is not a woman. I know that is not a PC thing to say, but he is NOT a woman and never will be.
    It was not my life plan to marry a woman, and it certainly wasn’t my life plan to marry a narcissistical liar who evidently has a multiple personality disorder.
    “Men wearing women’s clothes” – I have yet to read a story where it just ends there.

    Good luck.

  • #848

    dhayden
    Participant

    I’ve been a sex addiction therapist for 20 years (psychcentral.com/lib/an-overview-of-sex-addiction have worked with quite a number of CD’s. A large segment of the CD community is very compulsive about their behaviors and would be well-served by seeing a sex addiction therapist. I feel that it’s ESSENTIAL for CD’s and their partners to have couples counseling – whether they choose to stay together or not. The feelings of the women are completely overwhelming. I feel like I’m treating someone with PTSD. Her whole world is rocked. She doesn’t know what’s real and what’s unreal. Her anger is palpable. Divorce is common. People do make a go of it, however. It requires that the wife become knowledgeable about transvestitism, surrender to the fact that it’s not curable, go to therapy to work on issues of acceptance and surrender, challenge social sexual stereotypes, realize that the man she married is still a man (CD’s are very invested in their masculine selves, as well as their feminine selves), talk to women in this forum who actually enjoy having CD husbands (there are a number of advantages) and commit to continuing to work on the quality of their marriages, but from a different perspective.

    A big part of therapy is for the CD to affirm and validate his wive’s feelings and to be open to negotiating a “contract” that makes HER less uncomfortable.The word is “Boundaries”. He can’t just give way to his impulses. If he’s a sex addict (and there’s TONS of stuff on the Net that assesses that), he MUST see a qualified, experienced sex addiction therapist, otherwise he’ll never be able to not act on his impulses, or establish boundaries, or stay faithful to his contract with his wife, or have any degree of honesty. There are quite a number of CD’s who go to sex 12-step programs (Sex Addicts Anonymous). Call a spade a spade. An addiction is an addiction, if he can’t control his behavior. For a marriage to survive, you both need to be in recovery together and learn to be each other’s allies. If there’s no agreement to enter recovery, GET OUT! Dorothy/dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com

    • #873

      Dee Levy
      Keymaster

      Hi Dorothy,
      Thank you for your truth filled post. I concur- therapy is so helpful and necessary for many- regardless of which way you decide to go- stay together or get divorced and lots of in betweens.

      It was great hearing from you!Anyone interested in contacting Dorothy she can be reached at-Dorothy/dorothyhayden1231@gmail.com.

      Gratefully Yours,
      Dee

  • #852

    SmartyPants
    Participant

    update. he’s been seeing a therapist specializing in sexual trauma and compulsive behavior. they are exploring the scope of his issues. i am seeing my own therapist also. we are going to re-start couples counseling in the near future. he has surrendered all his passwords so i can monitor if i want to. he says he feels sober and clear-headed. his treatment is still in the exploration phase, but we have talked about what the next steps of recovery are, and he says he wants that.

  • #871

    Dee Levy
    Keymaster

    Hi Smarty pants! How are you doing? Are things better? What would you advise other CDW to do?

    Thank you,
    Dee

  • #874

    Dee Levy
    Keymaster

    Hi Tim! Thank you so much for being an incredible cd family advisor. You have helped so many wives and their husbands- all over the world. We at Cross Dressers Wives are so grateful to have you behind us and supporting so many of us.
    Gratefully Yours,
    Dee

  • #879

    Dee Levy
    Keymaster

    Dear Janet,
    I am finally getting a chance to let you know how much I appreciate your courage to post onto the Forum. Your experiences are shared by many wives who simply could not handle ll that comes with being a cross dressers wife. The joke “How do you know a CD is lying? His lips are moving?” Why do I say this? Due to the simple fact hat still over 70% of CD NEVER DISCLOSE prior to marriage and that betrayal becomes the first of many lies- in many of our lives. The Global access to information makes sex addiction so easy for our sons and husbands.

    Do you lay down the rules…no porn or cd porn in my home? You can try. It is much more likely to draw your boundaries- and keep hem. I confess I thought If I laid down the boundaries they would be granted- like the Genie in the lamp! The Genie didn’t work and we had been in and out of marriage counseling from the early years…it was a waste. He was addicted to porn-on top of being an obsessive lingerie cross dressing. And I after 20 years was done.

    Now the good news is that many couples that really want help can get it! Does it mean you will stay together? No. Fo many they find negotiating ways to continue their marriage. It takes 2 to commit to making it work- whatever IT is for you!

    Please know this is a common complain amongst CDW – hat many of their cd husbands are also addicted to porn- and some are expecting their wives to perform like the women in porn. Everyone is different and each of us has he right to decide for ourselves what our own comfort zones are…

    Gratefully Yours,
    Dee

  • #889

    cdw Moderator
    Keymaster

    Is there anyone out there who can tell me what to do about telling my family.I am not sure how to tell them why I am getting a divorce. Any input would be appreciated.

  • #890

    Karen
    Participant

    I have not posted on this forum in a long time, but I think I can answer this honestly. As my then-husband and I separated, I had to tell my 3 grown brothers what was going on 3 years ago. This was after 24 years of marriage. I realized that my shame of being married to a CDer was far different than HIS shame of doing this. I also was able to manage to let them know that I actually could feel sorry for him. What man in his right mind would want to spend so much time pretending to be something they are not? Of course they also feel betrayed, as that was the brother-in-law they thought they knew. My then-teenage sons are going to take a very long time to understand this from my perspective. They believe everything their father says, as they can’t believe that he would lie to them. He very subtly gaslighted me for years, and they observed this, naturally believing it to be normal.
    So, decide what you are comfortable sharing, and speak your truth within those boundaries.

  • #899

    SmartyPants
    Participant

    An update. I am cautiously optimistic. He is still seeing the counselor and doing well. I think he is being honest. For a long time, he wanted to think there might be a future where he could CD and it would be harmless. He has finally realized it only leads him to compulsive and destructive behaviors that harm him, our marriage, and his friendships. We are in couples therapy, working on trust issues and rebuilding. I go through waves of hurt, anger, betrayal and fear. I am working on that with my therapist.

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