January 11, 2016 at 12:28 pm #720
Last week my husband of 15 years told me that he has been dressing up in my panties while I am gone and masterbates to himself in the mirror. In addition, he has been going to strip clubs and then to adult porn booths where he masterbates to other men or transgender men through the holes in the walls. He denies dressing up in anything else like shoes, clothes or using makeup but I am not sure I believe it. He also has become very obsessed with transgender porn and browses the craiglist personals for encounters with transgenders although he has never done anything (so in his mind he has not cheated on me although I say getting private dances from strippers and masterbating alongside other men at adult porn booths is definitely cheating).
We have many other issues in our marriage and have honestly never had a great sex life as sad as that is to say after 15 years, which he says is to blame for his behavior. He says he has always just wanted me and that his porn watching has just progressed to all of these other things but he does not want to dress like a woman, or be with a man (although he is not 100% sure because his behavior makes him have self doubt about whether he’s bisexual). He says he was just looking for a thrill, trying to up the excitement factor since I never wanted him.
I am so hurt and confused and sick to my stomach, I have not been able to even function since I found out. To picture him dressing up in my underwear and going to these disgusting places with other men, I just feel like my whole world has come crashing down. I understand that he has needs and by not making our sex life a priority I hold part of the blame. I will never know if had I been the sexy wife who wants it all the time, he would have still gone down this road. He says he can stop and is disgusted with his behavior and wants to make it work with me. We have 3 kids and are just making ends meet so having a second mortgage or rent feels impossible. I don’t think I can stay with him if he continues this behavior, despite how open minded I try to be but I am afraid that if I stay with him and do my best to keep him satisfied with just me that I will find out years down the road that he is not only continuing the behavior but has progressed even more. He actually told me he never planned to tell me about it but had an “epiphany” when we were visiting with family where he heard my dead grandpa telling him to respect his wife…
As a side note, when we first started dating he had a sort of breakdown where he went out trying to have oral sex with other men and actually did have an encounter with another men. He talked about trying to get in touch with his feminine side at the time. We split for a bit but he said he had just gone “crazy” and that he wasn’t gay or bisexual. Hello red flags…I guess that behavior has always haunted me. And I guess that after writing this post I can see a little more clearly that this is not just a phase. I just don’t want to break up my family and I am scared to be alone and so I think I am trying to convince myself that it’s all okay and we can make it work.
Sorry for such a long post, I just feel so desperate for some clarity or insight. I feel like I’m trying to find a label for him, he just doesn’t fit into any category. Is he a cross dress if he just wears women’s underwear? Is he gay or bisexual if he masterbates to other men but says he doesn’t want to be with them? What is going on!!!
- This topic was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by mabell.
January 15, 2016 at 8:18 am #788
I am sorry your going thru this. It is confusing and so complex. I would be happy to talk with you and answer and questions and give you as much information as I can.
My email is on the site.
Here it is to make it easier
Or if you prefer contact Dee the founder.
January 22, 2016 at 9:32 pm #792
I totally feel your pain, betrayal, and confusion. I have been married as long as you. My husband also “came out” and told me he likes to dress as a woman – more than panties, the whole look. I had no idea. He has led a completely secret life for the 20 years we have been together. And the lies, upon lies,and then more lies. I do not perceive him to be the same person that I thought I knew. For 18 months I tried to imagine how we could make it work, but the reality is I do not want to be with someone who was not honest with me, a person who has sexual interests so far removed from my own, and a person who seems to be almost schizophrenic in who he wants to be. I am heartbroken, devastated, depressed, and just about holding it together. We have kids too. We went to couples therapy – awful – it was all about how I could change my needs and wants to fit in with his. But there is light at the end of this tunnel. I have filed for divorce. I went o my own therapy to help me come to this decision, it was the indecisiveness, my guilt at splitting the family that was killing me. Of course, I know it is not me splitting the family – we are broken because of his behavior. Despite gender confusion, which I believe is not a choice – my husband did make some choices about his secret behavior along the way.
So my advise – look ahead to the future – can you really see yourself being happy with a partner who makes you feel uncomfortable, whose words you doubt because they have told so many lies. This is not a “curable” behavior. It is who they are. They can find a partner who accepts this, who knows it from the start, who wants to be part of it. I can not be that person. I want to find out what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who is 100% there with me – not someone who is planning their next secret move or sexual encounter – real, virtual, or in a strip joint.
January 22, 2016 at 9:40 pm #793
Just to be clear
IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT
It will take time, but eventually you will start to figure out what makes you happy, and if this situation does not make you happy – move on. It is devastating. I have anxiety, worries about finances. I’m thousands of miles away from any close family. So it feels lonely. But after months of depression, I am beginning to tell people about our separation (not the reasons though) and people are caring and want to help. Find one good friend who you can tell all the gory details to – if not, load it onto a therapist. Tell someone – because when you do you will realize that this is a BIG deal and not something that you have to put up with or something you have to pretend to be okay with.
January 24, 2016 at 12:06 pm #794
Hello, let me tell you from the stand point of a 35 year relationship/marriage, he is lying his ass off. Search around the house you will find his stash, my CD says the very same things, none of which has a word of truth. I have found the more he tries to bring me in the more disturbing it gets. It suddenly becomes all about “Gina” his alter ego. He wants to talk about Gina when in regular men’s clothes, like we are both having an affair with “her” willingly. He cheats with men women anybody that will lay down with him. But he is straight, so I’m told. He has had way more sex outside the marriage than in a lot with men. Maybe some of you wives have guys that don’t cheat but I’m thinking not, it’s all about the sex high. When they get in dress or worked up about getting dressed all logic is gone. He had kept his cross-dressing under control to a degree until his latest affair with a very religious woman (I am short on organized religion, I find it full of Hippocrates) she convinced him he was called to preach, so they were off to the races. I told him from day one she intended on sleeping with him and he with her and they did. Very arrogantly he asked me to stay he loved me so much, not leaving because it’s my house. Thought I could forgive him again and probably will however I no longer fill love for him. Funny thing the cross-dressing didn’t kill the marriage his constant need for validation from a third party did. I would have love to have had a great sex life with him but I was never the goal, winning that new person was the high he chased.
I wonder from some of you other ladies have you found your CD to be selfish and self-centered? All about them all the time dressed or not? Do most CD’s cheat? I always thought the women were to prove to himself that he was a man. But this last affair has shown me that our marriage is to keep people from wondering, maybe. He always tells the women he loves them and intends to marry them, he only cheats with women that know me and know how to contact me when he breaks their heart. What better way to get out of an affair than a wife that just found out.
Well that’s a little bit of my life with a CD.
January 25, 2016 at 12:04 am #795
I understand that he has needs and by not making our sex life a priority I hold part of the blame. I will never know if had I been the sexy wife who wants it all the time, he would have still gone down this road. H
This is so wrong. And the perfect example of gasslighting. So it is YOUR fault that he wants to dress, have relationships with other men and women? That is ridiculous! Maybe if he didn’t expect you to buy into his abnormal fantasies, lie to you, abuse you pscychologically you would want “IT” more of the time.
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