what are we going to do?

Mission Forums Cross Dresser’s Wives Forum what are we going to do?

This topic contains 27 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  SmartyPants 1 year, 9 months ago.

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  • #632

    Leatisha
    Participant

    Are marriages successful with a crossdresser?
    Background, I am 25, a mother of 3 ages 5, 3.5, and 1. I am also expecting our 4th child due May 2016. I am a Christian, with biblical views on life. My husband is 27, he is a welder, very dominant alpha male, he has bipolar disorder, ptsd, and addictive tendencies. His favorite drug is weed although he will dabble in whatever else comes his way.
    I first discovered that he was binging on porn. This started when we where dating in August 2008. I was on a trip after highschool graduation and came back to find my computer filled to the brim with porn and dating sites. That was a one time thing, he was lonely and bored and so sorry. It eventually turned into trans/ sissy porn binges. Then it was a tool to hurt me if I wasn’t keeping up with the house enough. I first caught him dressing when our oldest was an infant. I was shocked, disgusted, scared, etc. I have been so open minded my brains would fall out. We have had three different collections of outfits and tools for him to dress up and play with. We have switched roles, he has played alone, etc. It never lasts long because I don’t like it or want it and he binges on it and is too self conscious for any negative feedback. He has thrown everything away, swore off of it, etc. It just comes back stronger. Now he says he wants to occaidonally dress for sex with men. To be used like a slut. I don’t even like to use the words he describes his urges with. He said our marriage is top priority. And he doesnt want to be full time trans or gay, but he wants to binge on this and have it from time to time for sexual/stress release.. I don’t feel comfortable at all. I don’t like him dressing as a woman. I don’t like him playing by himself while I am at church alone with the kids. I definitley am not okay with him having sex with other people. I don’t want him dressed at all. I don’t want him shaving his whole body. I don’t want himwatching or fantasizing about trans/ sissy encounters. He wanted me to watch a sissy hypno porn video to see what he wants. I can’t do it. It’d disgusting! I dont want those images in my head! I told him we could be platonic and co-parent if he wanted to pursue that life but he said he wouldn’t be happy not married to me. I feel like this is just going to continue. He will continue to use porn and dressing to punish me. And eventually I will discover him cheating with a man. Is there any hope?

  • #633

    Leatisha
    Participant

    It is important to add that I am a sexual abuse survivor. From the time I was just 7 years old to about 15yo. Different men, varying degrees, but never full on violent rape. He said a couple of weeks ago that I must have raped him in his sleep without a condom to conceive our 4th child. He was done having kids, I love children and have always dreamt of a big family. With our busy schedules sex is hard to come by when we are not exhausted so he had asked me several timea before to just wake him up and climb on top so we dont have to go so long without. I had finally started doing that, we where having a great sex life, until I discovered I was pregnant. Now it’s rape :(. I can’t negate his feelings, if he feels he was raped then he was, right? Well that was obviously a major trigger. I have since then relived every past trauma, thought pf the horrible beginnings of this child, and had a major version to physical touch and any issue regarding sex or abuse. He did reveal when he told me the extent of his current sexual desires that he only said that to punish me for getting pregnant through a condom

  • #634

    Leatisha
    Participant

    liars

  • #636

    Shelly
    Participant

    Leatisha,

    I feel so bad that you are in this situation! I was not able to stay in my marriage after I found out about my husband when we had 2 small kids. I didn’t leave immediately and, like you seem to feel, I strongly believed that marriage was for life. I tried very hard to be the supportive wife that my religion and society said I should be. By the time I left, 5 years later, I was a broken woman. But I am not a broken woman now.

    These are not “just clothing choices” or little quirks that will eventually stop. Crossdressing for sexual excitement is a deep need (obsession? compulsion? fetish?) that is built into the very core of the person. Crossdressers do not use this as a punishment. That makes no sense…he wants to do this and is dragging you into it unwillingly. He found your weak spot and is exploiting it. This is something that my ex could do very easily also. He is equating you doing something that he requested to the sexual abuse of a young girl, because he doesn’t like the outcome. How low can he possibly go? This is manipulation

    I hate to say this, but I found out a whole lot about myself through the pain that I went through. What was I willing to put up with? How much do I value myself? When does support for others become more important than my sanity? Who says that a good wife should accept something that turns her stomach? Why would I believe the words of a man who says that he loves me more than anything, but is destroying me with deception and blame? And just what kind of god would do this to a man who was otherwise a great guy? You will probably have different answers than me…but it is important that you re-examine your beliefs to find out what you want to do with your one-and-only life.

    I hope that you can get a clear mind about what is happening to you. You need to focus on yourself and your children. Back up and consider what this has been doing to you, your own identity, your self-confidence. It can affect everything about you, especially when you are being manipulated and coerced. Is there anyone that you can talk to in person? Someone who will have your best interests at heart?

    Hang in there, Leatisha. This is not an easy scenario. I wish the best for you.

    Shelly

  • #637

    Leatisha
    Participant

    He doesn’t want to be outed of course. But I have considered speaking with one of my friends from church. I do consider his porn binges and his homosexual fantasies to be unfaithful to our marriage. I would have no spiritual qualms divorcing him. He wants to cheat, he has dreamt of cheating, why wait? BUT he says he loves me too much. He doesn’t want to expose the kids, he doesn’t want to hurt me, etc etc. So he’s not going to be a crossdresser? I don’t think it works like that. Even if he tried to squash it, it would just blow up uglier later. Right??

  • #638

    Lou Ann
    Participant

    Talk to someone. Just because you are partnered with someone with a fetish that’s abusive and hurtful to you doesn’t mean you are obligated to keep that secret. Be says he loves you too much but wbat be really means is that he needs that disguise of normalcy that the marriage provides so he doesn’t get found out. Save your sanity. Talk to someone you trust. And read…I have dealt with my situation for years and thought I was losing my mind. It’s only been within the past year that I have found helpful online resources. This particular blog entry may be of help to you. Sixhttps://naefearty.wordpress.com/2014/07/22/gas-mark-six/

  • #639

    Leatisha
    Participant

    It got so much worse last night. I told him I made an appoinment with his substance abuse counselor. I wanted to reveal this to him and see if he had any referrals for us. He started having a panic attack at the thought of it. I told him I understood his fear and we could figure something else out but I was frustrated that I had to tip toe so carefully around his feelings when he had no qualms crashing my world down around me when he accused me of rape, told me to quit being dramatic, and spent the night watching me relive every past trauma.He started getting angry, ripping the blankets off of me and yelling that I needed to just tell him the truth, exactly what I was thinking. I said well honnestly I think it’s BS that you are soo scared to tslk to a man about thisbissue when the whole issue is that you want a man to pound you and spray all over your face, give me a break! He then turned suicidal. I thought he ws vomiting from the anxiety But he was trying to kill him self? self harm? by choking himself out with his belt. He told me to pack the kids and leave so they wouldnt see it etc etc. I tried to talk him down for a while but he was insistant that’s what he wanted.Once he started to try again I called 911. He heard me talking to them and sped off in his truck. The police ended up chasing him out in to the country and surrounding him. They took his vitals, asked if he needed to be seen and sent him home. UGH!!! He said he knew I must have cared to stop him but he knew I didnt love him. Honestly at this pointI’m just over it. He rambled on after he got home about a platonic relationship that would allow him to be active with the kids etc. Who knows what he will say today. I want him to get in treatment care. He said he can’t take care of us that way, I saaid he can’t dead on the floor either!! Now I get to spend my day babysitting and pretending I didn’t spend my night outside listening to traffic to see is my husband was going to really take his life

  • #640

    Shelly
    Participant

    Leatisha,

    This is so abusive to you! My ex kept me quiet and under his control with suicide threats for years. You did the right thing. If he ever threatens to kill himself…call 911. Get him committed for his own protection and for the protection of yourself and your kids. It is not your job to keep another adult alive. He is using this to control you. These are not the actions of someone who loves you. These are manipulative, dishonest tactics that will damage you and your kids. The stress of dealing with this situation, along with his sexual issues, the isolation, the blaming and accusations…all of this takes a physical and mental toll on you and your little one. Protect yourself.

    Somehow, I kept trying to get my ex to give me permission to share my pain with someone else…don’t wait for his blessing. You need support YESTERDAY. Don’t let him take your health or your sanity. HE does not get to deny YOU help!

    Stay strong

    Shelly

  • #641

    Leatisha
    Participant

    I talked to my friend this morning that helped a lot! She didn’t have any experience with this of course but she listened. He made an appointment with a hypnotist for tomorrow. idk if that will do any good

  • #643

    Janet
    Participant

    Leatisha, you are going through some really painful experiences. I wish we could all meet and talk about this anguish we are put through. It’s just awful. Talking to one friend is good – and I have done that. Good friends can handle this madness and will help us out.
    You have kids – it is so hard to think about this situation without thinking of their needs – but a father can still be a good father, regardless of whether that are married to the mother and regardless of their own fetishes. Just know that. Marriage does not make a family. Honesty, love, and commitment to raising healthy children makes a family.
    This is hard. Love yourself. I’m trying to do that (20 years of deceit). I’m trying to envision my kids being happy within a different family set up. They have no idea. I’m sad about traditions lost. I’m sad about so many times things. My H gets frustrated and says I don’t understand. I do understand. This is difficult for him. But he knew about it. He has no idea what is has done to me.

  • #644

    Leatisha
    Participant

    So he went to hypno therapy today. I was so excited! He was given a recording of the session to work on self hypnosis when he is feeling tempted. All was cloud 9 until I interupted his self hypnosis session twice. The first time he was laying in the bed… the same place he had been since he got home and was talking to me befpre. The second time he was laying outaide on the back porch. I was just trying to figire out where he went?? Then he was frustrated that I didn’t have any food ready he wanted eat AFTER dinner AFTER I told him to get his food because the kids where having something he wasn’t interested in. I had made some BBQ, specially to suit his taste and he wouldn’t try it. I got frustrated because he was refusing and he got mad that I was frustrated! Then he went on to tell me I needed therapy too because I don’t like or want to do housework and I am triggered by rape. I told him I didnt think it was that urgent or that he would handle keeping the kids by himself while I go. Long story short he is wounded and I am just mean and demanding. Lord help me!!!

  • #645

    Leatisha
    Participant

    sorry for the typos this format is hard to read before I post on my phone

  • #646

    Leatisha
    Participant

    Update;
    I guess the hypnosis has worked? He vomits if he looks at his clothes or “toys”. Even carrying the bag out to the dumpster made him sick. He’s still a total narcissist of course. He got laid off and wanted me to quit babysitting and become the bread winner. I asked about how I would breast feed after the baby was born if I was working two jobs to pay the bills and he said we can just give this one formula :/. I said no. I am pregnant, I am a woman, and a mother. Call me old fashioned but my job is at home with the children. I don’t want to switch roles!!! Sexually or proffessionally!! Anyway,I finally got time to process his cheating confession. It happened right before we where married. We where fighting about something? and I spent the night at a friends… he slept with a woman off of craigslist. I didn’t think he would ever be vapable of cheating on me. I guess I am just a fool. He also tried to hook up with his ex. I was pregnant with our second. Things where AWFUL his mom wanted me to abort and was making our lives miserable. We where moving out of my home town to his. He was there looking for work while my son and I stayed at my great grandmas to get away from his mom. He got in contact with his ex, caught up, and planned a sexual encounter. They met at a gas station on her lunch break and both decided not to follow through. So he says. I will never forget the text he sent to her saying “you will always be my babygirl” makes me sick

  • #647

    Janet
    Participant

    Leatisha,
    There seems to be a whole lot going on here that is not just cross dressing. I’m glad you think the hypno stuff is working. I am not a believer.
    All the other emotional abuse is what is VERY concerning.
    Narcissism, affairs on Craig’s list, threatening to take his own life etc. This is so abusive. This must be so hard for you. It’s important that as strong women that we don’t just “make do” with a situation because we think that is all that life has served us – this is especially easy to do when we have our kids to think about. The financial fear is terrifying. You need a cheerleader to help you find a better path in life. Your husband is NOT your cheerleader. He is dragging you into a pit of devastating low self-esteem. Don’t let him take you there.

    Do you have support from anyone who can help you and your kids? Life should be balanced, happy and feel good (at least most of the time) Not full of anxiety, confusion, and sadness.

    Stay strong. think of life in five or tens years time. Do you still want to be dealing with this?

  • #650

    Leatisha
    Participant

    I think about that a lot. My younger self would smack my current self for putting up with this crap. I try not to let him affect my self esteem or self worth. I do love him very much and we have built a beautiful family together but he is very sick. He needs to be well. I don’t even know if he can be? He is miles ahead of his mom, dad, or grandparents. I do stand firm to him, especially in front of the kids. I will name his behaviours and tell him he can try again without the manipulation. But the kids and I have a (mostly) open dialogue. He punched a hole in the door in one of our recent arguments and they have been very vocal about how that’s not a good choice!! lol
    He changes a lot faster when the kids point it out. I could definitely find my way alone, and it would be much more peaceful if I did. But, at this point, I think it is better for the kids to have their daddy. I pray I am not making a grave mistake. He is definitely narccicistic and abusive but he IS a good father. He loves our children more than the world and I love that side of him. Unfortunatly there is so much more. I still feel like it would be sefish for me to leave to preserve my emotional well being. Maybe that’s him talking but I can be happy despite him and I can enjoy what we do have together. His bad behaviours are more of an annoyance than anything. IDK it’s hard to see so deep in it

  • #653

    Leatisha
    Participant

    I guess it’s just a matter of time anyway

  • #654

    Leatisha
    Participant

    Well here’s my sign. We where arguing about money, he list his job again. Everyone went to bed and our middle child was up all night sick. We took turns with her and the baby. When I finally layed down after putting our eldest on the bus I had a terrible night mare that he had another woman and had decided to leave. When I woke up crying he said that was stupid he would never do that and very half heartedly comforted me. This was yesterday. This morning I find traces of porn on his phone he had been downloading while I was having my nightmare. Ironic huh? I couldn’t tell if it was “trans” or “normal” but I am done. When I confronted him he started yelling and cussing at me. A sure sign of guilt. He has been “leaving” for 30min now. Praying I can make a clean break w/o drama or violence or police

  • #658

    Leatisha
    Participant

    He left. And came back. I can’t get divorced in my state until May when the baby is born 🙁 I asked for a legal seperation until then but he said he wants to stay with his kids. So I’m left making a space for me in the girls’ room. He said he will be preparing himself for a legal custody battle. Sigh. This is so ugly. I’m trying to stay strong but it is very hard. Am I strong enough for this? Am I doing the right thing? I would love to load up the kids and drive off in to the sunset but they love their daddy. Lord, help me!!

  • #659

    Lou Ann
    Participant

    Yes, you are doing the right thing and yes, you are strong enough to get through this. Do you know why? Because you are a woman and will do whatever you have to to get your children out of an insane situation. Women are driven by the forethought of their children’s wellbeing and men are driven by what they desire…especially in cases like this. No matter how much he squalks about custody and wanting to be with his kids, if he were truly a good father, he would realize the best thing for the kids would be for him to leave and get his shit straight.
    You are in a very difficult and stressful position but do yourself a favor and keep a journal that documents everything (dates, situations, words spoken, durations of time) Do it daily if you have to and if you can get anything on video, all the better. Even though most states favor the mother, you can’t take a chance on having to share custody with this narcissistic lunatic. Play his game if you have to, placate him to keep the peace but be diligent in your documentation. It may save you in the long run.

  • #660

    Leatisha
    Participant

    I got him to leave. He wanted to take the kids with him but I convinced him to leave them in their home with the hopes of reconcilliation. He came to spend time with them today and wanted to have sex. NO!!! I hope we can recover from this but that wont help it!! He spent all day with his hands all over me asking if I hadbeen with anyone else yet. Guess that tells me what what he did after getting wasted at the bar last night.

  • #664

    Leatisha
    Participant

    4 nights away from him now and out of his grasp
    my lungs have so much room in them! I never knew I could breath this deep

  • #670

    Janet
    Participant

    I hope you are doing okay.

  • #677

    Dee Levy
    Keymaster

    Dear Leatisha,

    The question should be altered…what are YOU going to do? I am so sorry for all that life has put before you. And on top of all of that- unknowingly being married to a cross dresser for most of us is a hard pill to swallow.

    I would strongly urge you to focus on your needs, wants and desires. Talk to one of us. You can get each other’s #’s from contacting me at cdwives@gmail.com.

    Your partner is most likely never going to stop CD because he does not want to stop. Yes- most CD do ‘PURGE” their women’s clothes and swear that never again will they CD. After a while- some CD wives got so tired and mad about the money being PURGED every now and then- some wives dove into garbage cans to retrieve the CD bag of surprises.

    Please put the focus where it belongs- on YOU. You cannot control your CDH but you can control how you are going to respond.Do you have a therapist? Need one? Try calling a local college and see if their Psychology program has some PhD students who might counsel for free. Write in a daily journal. Start to plan on how you are going to live your best life. Stay close to the Forum. There is so much wisdom from the other wives. They taught me so much over the years.

    I know this is a scary time but take a deep breathe and exhale- take care of YOU. It is not selfish- it is necessary.

    Warmly,
    Dee (aka The Founder)

  • #680

    Sharon
    Participant

    Hello. I am new. I have read all your posts on this Sunday afternoon. I am 65. My husband of 44 years is 72. He is a retired school teacher and an Elder in our church. He was an only child and too close to his mother. When she died about 8 years ago, he shared with me that he wanted to know how it felt to dress as a woman. I became sick to my stomach but agreed to go to Pennys to help him shop for a blouse and skirt. I noticed he wanted a brand his mother liked. He did not mention it so a few months later I asked if he ever tried them on. He said no because he wanted my help. I told him that was not going to happen. After a couple of years went by, I found some plastic boobs in his drawer. Sick feeling came back. This last week I noticed in email that he had ordered some more women’s clothes plus butt padding. I became overwhelmed with being sick again. I found this site and some others that encouraged wives to ask questions of their husbands. So I tried. Choose to do it when we were eating out as I thought I would not lose it. Instead I made snide comments about his recent purchases like are you getting new clothes to wear to church? He did not catch on until last night he said he realised I saw his purchases and that he tried to share with me several years ago that he wanted to do this. Once he went with me to get a pedicure which was ok until he also got colored polish on his toes. He said he wanted my help in doing this and I told him I would not help and I was not comfortable in seeing him do this. Now to share, he has a blood disorder which may shorten his life and all I can think is that I will get even by having him in women’s clothing in his casket. He said he has always wanted to do this since he was little. Probably has something to do with his relationship with his mother she was a horrible mother in law, so even from her grave, she makes my life miserable. Our adult children would be mortified if they found out. I have thought about moving out but why should I? He says this is his feminine side but he is just a selfish little boy. Always has been. Thanks for letting me vent. I am angry about his hypocrasy. Our son had a baby out of wedlock and I was not allowed to tell anyone I had a grandson for 3 years because my hubby and his mother were too embarrassed. What if the public knew this secret?

  • #681

    Leatisha
    Participant

    He and I are seeing a therapist now. I am working on being more firm in MY wants and needs. I am not a selfish person so it is new to me but it is going well. I am trying to stay positive, praying he actually wants to change.

  • #696

    Leatisha
    Participant

    He’s in my church guys. I just saw a text between him and an elder and he is lying to them. He is starting the process of isolating me again. I can’t believe I let him come back. Please pray. They where my biggest lifeline.

  • #699

    Shelly
    Participant

    Leatisha,

    Back up and read what you wrote previously. What would you advise your daughter to do if she found herself in this situation? Do not let him twist reality for yourself or anyone else. Does your therapist know that abuse is going on? An abusive relationship does not follow the same dynamics as a normal relationship with problems. Let the therapist read your posts on here. It will provide a good overview of what is happening.

    Hang in there, Leatisha

    Shelly

  • #845

    SmartyPants
    Participant

    Leatisha, please tell us how you are doing now? So many elements of your story struck a chord with me: trans, sissy, anon hookups with men. Sending support to you.

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